Day 16 of the 500 words a day/30 day experiment @kale&cigarettes
Afternoon. Was dragging a little this morning and followed my routine for the days that I have to teach in the morning. Now, I’m sitting down to write. Getting up first thing in the morning and putting words on a page before they’ve had a chance to get jumbled and scrambled up into thoughts is preferable. I notice that I’m fine with writing whenever. I can be flexible and adaptable. It does me no good to be rigid and set in my ways. It is grounding to have a set routine to follow that doesn’t require making as many choices and using up energy on what to wear or what to eat.
Today, I’m continuing on the topic of being a sensitive soul because I felt like I could have written more about it yesterday. With awareness and over time, I’ve acknowledged that I take things to heart and I’m especially sensitive to the energy around me. It affects me when I walk into a room and I pick up an uncomfortable moment that happened just before. It can set me on edge making me want to flee the environment or retreat deeper into myself.
When I first realized that I was sensitive at first I took it as a defect, a weakness, something that had to be changed or even hidden. My wall came up and I put up my defenses. My goal was not to “feel” so much and not let others hurt my feelings. I made it about other people. I would get hurt about a joke, an off the cuff remark or a look or gesture from someone else. These moments would replay in my mind and I would overanalyze interactions, conversations and exchanges with people.
I have been called dramatic, overly sensitive and emotional. Why are being so sensitive? You’re just taking it the wrong way? Your emotions, thoughts and feelings aren’t always logical or rational. But some of these responses are coming from a place of pain, a past memory or situation that has been stirred and replayed again. Sometimes, it seems like I "feel" too deeply. It's too much and can feel overwhelming or emotionally exhausting. Burdensome.
A sensitive soul like myself has to protect itself from being overly stimulated. What to do? Become a hermit crab? Never leave the house? Get your feelings hurt at every turn and harbor resentment or anger? These aren’t in any way productive or realistic.
I’ve changed my way of perceiving other’s communication. I’ve gone inward and came to some realizations. It’s not us against them or a fear that I have to be on guard for fear of being hurt. It doesn’t serve me to put on a mask and pretend not to be something that I’m not. Sometimes, someone less sensitive can say something and I can choose to react or not. I have the insight to know that it can probably be something going on with the other person.
It’s much better to be myself, sensitive soul that I am, and feel. The people around me love and want the best for me. They are there for me when I need them. A sensitive soul is also very intuitive and can sense if someone’s genuine. I have a strong gut instinct about people and choose who I want to be around carefully. Those people that I choose to be around make me feel good and not drained after spending time with them. To be sensitive is not a useless, defective quality. It’s having a strong sense of the energy around you and intuition to live from the heart. I’ll try to find a quote I saw the other day, something like, be kind and loving but take no bullsit! Here it is: Be soft, kind and loving. But also take nobody’s shit. I saw this floating around on the web but don’t know who to attribute it to.